Loving or Losing, You Choose.

Roaring 20’s: How to Lose at Love in 10 Ways

The Porch: David Marvin

Let me start by saying this, I am by NO means a relationship expert. In fact, August 2020 marks the year I got my very first boyfriend. So, this post is definitely not me telling you how to win at love from any experience of mine. This post is not me telling you that you’re doing it wrong. This post is simply me sharing with you my takeaway from How to Lose at Love in 10 Ways.

I listened to this episode earlier in the year whenever I was struggling with being single. 22 years seems like forever, lemme tell ya. But, I was choosing to see only the negatives to singleness rather than focusing on God's purpose for it. This podcast helped me to reset my intention while dating and focus on myself and my faith during singleness. Because of this, I am able to enter into relationships in life with clear intentions, a joyful heart, and spiritual truths to lean on for reassurance.

And, it highlighted a really powerful thought: In this decade, majority of us will decide the person we will spend our life with. We will make one of the biggest decisions of our lives in ours 20's/30's when we choose the person we will covenant our life to.

This episode focused on 10 ways to lose at love, and here they are.

1. Date for fun

David perfectly described the feeling I got when I experimented with dating around for fun. Casually dating led to me giving away pieces of my heart to people that didn’t deserve them, and that will affect the future of me as an individual and as a spouse.

How to win? Be selective. Be intentional. Ask yourself, what are my intentions?

For me, if my intentions with the guy I’m considering don't lead to the possibility of marriage, then I probably shouldn’t date them.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

2. Make exceptions if they’re ‘exceptional’

Exceptions in dating and marriage are a given. You compromise. BUT, when it comes to your non-negotiables, you shouldn’t make exceptions. I’ve found that when I look past the things that are important to me or hope that other characteristics will make up for lacking elsewhere, I wind up disappointed. After listening to this podcast, I realized that God doesn’t want me to make exceptions for people I think are exceptional, especially when it comes to the important things. God creates exceptional people, enables exceptional relationships, and doesn’t want us to make exceptions when it comes to our non-negotiables if they’re in the right place.

How to win?

Define your nonnegotiables and don’t make exceptions on them, no matter how exceptional they seem.

Evaluate the “yes, but…” statements when it comes to defending your person.

My non-negotiables? Honest, kind-hearted character. Fears the Lord. Wants kids.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

3. Play married

Playing married doesn’t necessarily prepare you for marriage. And, when living together, there’s a tendency to kind of slide into marriage rather than decide to get married.

This is not me saying to not live together before you’re married. Each relationship is unique and I believe doing what’s best for you and serving your circumstances is important.

How to win?

Consider your thoughts on moving in with someone before you reach that stage.

4. Jump from relationship to relationship

Instead of searching for the next person to date, what if we focused singleness on becoming godly women/men? I try to focus on becoming the woman a godly man would search for rather than searching for him. I focus on finding contentment in whatever season I'm in.

5. Focus on chemistry over character

Chemistry changes and fades over time. Chemistry is important, but it doesn’t make relationships last. Character does.

How to win?

Inspect character over compatibility.

Questions I ask myself

Does he have the character I want in a spouse?

Does he have the character I want my kids?

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

6. Search for the best

Today’s culture centers around figuring out all of your options and handpicking the one you feel is best for you. But, looking for someone we think is most compatible for us is not our search. Our search is for someone with the best qualities according to God.

7. Project past hurts

This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

How to win? Practice forgiveness in preparation for marriage. Forgive past hurts against you and become a forgiving spouse before you’ve even met your person. Be a joyful human, not a bitter one.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

8. Isolate your relationship

If you’re a family gal like me, you want your family’s approval. The family and friends in your life should be involved in and excited about your relationship. They want what’s best for us, and sometimes see what’s not the best for us before we do.

"Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." Proverbs 18:1

9. Have sex when you’re ready

Well, here’s a controversial one. We all have our own opinions on sex. Regardless of what yours are, I implore you to consider the message this podcast conveys. At a soul level, sex allows you to touch and be touched at the deepest part of your heart. You give away a part of yourself, as well as take a part of someone else, that you can’t get or give back. Depending on your situation, that can be a beautiful thing, or a heart-breaking thing.

God is not anti-sex. Actually, he’s pro sex… when you’re in an unbreakable marriage bond. Designer Sex, another podcast episode by The Porch, focuses on God’s design for sex in Song of Solomon 3-5. It’s pleasurable, passionate, and powerful in marriage. I 10/10 recommend checking out this episode!--> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aScwtexYapE

For me, I refer back to Proverbs 4:23. Above all else, I guard my heart.

10. Believe love is something you fall into

Believing love is something people fall into means you believe love is something people can fall out of. Biblically, love is something you LIVE OUT.

How do you live out love?

Through you actions.

Through a marriage.

We put our needs aside to serve and love the other person. A love that acts.

1 Corinthians 13:4.

Love is:

Patience.

Kindness.

Forgiveness.

Hopefulness.

Perseverance.

Protection.

Love chooses.

Love is decision.

Love is what you live out. It’s attitude. It's action.

The ending points of this episode spoke to me too, and I see how relevant they are today.

Nowadays we yearn for a rom-com romance, and we have a culture that makes us feel damaged and unlovable if part of our story is flawed. Lucky for us, the Bible says otherwise. A godly man and woman will love you. All of you. There is no sin that makes you unwanted by God or a follower of Him.

When we pursue a love story written by God, we surrender to Him and allow Him to work in our lives. When we go after that love story written by him and we avoid these 10 losing ways, we give way for a beautiful story to unfold. He writes the love stories that last.

Walk with him. Turn to him. Date as he calls you to. It is then that a man or woman who’s heart He has will look at you the way He does.

He writes the stories, but YOU decide to give him the pen.

In 2021, let's focus on loving and not losing. I hope these takeaways spoke to you like they did to me. And, I encourage you to listen to the podcast on your own. --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hNVn6Ac5YY&list=PLb_O24G06J9RMhHa4PLEQAeXXKnXGlsd0&index=3 .

You are SO worthy of a beautiful love story. Don't settle, friend.

Til next time,

Just Abby